141.5

Finally I am seeing progress!!!! I lost 4 lbs this week :) :) :) but I started eating more than I should have been last night because I was so drunk and it was really my only option unless I wanted to throw up all over my brothers friends. I am back on track though tomorrow me and my boyfriend are going to start working out again and I am going on a four day fast starting tomorrow. I have heard mixed things about fasts. Of course I want to loose weight by fasting, but more than that I hope to detox my body I have been drinking quite a bit and I am going to try to just clean my body out to prepare for this journey to skinny. I hear that when you get done with a fast you can gain the weight back so I will not depend on or get upset if I gain the weight back because I am preparing my mind for it. I hope I can keep a pound or two off depending on how much I loose but like I said I will not get upset. I am no longer going to be drinking and I am going to start exercising again. I hear it is easier and more benefical that when you stop a bad habit you replace it with a healthy one so I am stopping drinking and starting exercising again. Also I am going to start taking these fat burning pills. but I have to eat quite a big breakfast :(  I am just going to try it with my normal size breakfast and see how it goes if it makes me sick then I will have to up the calories. I am not starting that until friday when I resume eating and I am even debating waiting until next monday just so my body has time to adjust to eating again. So thats just a little update on my life.

...ANYHOW...

I hate the computers at school they will not let my comment on your guys blogs so now I have to come to my parents house everytime I want to get on and it sucks because I am constantly hiding it from them. I hate hiding and lying but I need this. It is the only thing that keeps me focused. I am more dedicated to loosing weight when I know I have to tell you guys about my gains and losses. I hope that all of you are doing well and are successful in what ever adventure you are on at the moment. now here is some

!THINSPO!

comments

So I havent been able to comment on some or most of your guys blogs. I dont know why. i sign in and click an blog and when I go to the top usually you can go to your dashboard but it only says create blog or sign in?!?!?!?! does this happen to anyone else? what do i do?

ON ANOTHER NOTE

I am thinking of getting something to speed up my metabolism and burn fat. I went to a CVS and noticed they had a lot of products like hydroxycut, jilan micheals, green tea pills and all kinds of stuff. Have any of you tried these products and how do they work? do you use any other products? what are they and what results did you get?

I know obviously that I cant just take one of these and eat whatever I want. I am restricting my calories really low and I am working out but I dont know which one is should use I have never tried this before and need a little help. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

 

 

I got on the scale today and almost broke down. I dont even want to mention what it said but I am fasting or trying to fast today and tomorrow. Then im fasting again monday - thur I am fasting again!!! after that I want to start taking the fat burner which everone I choose. I am going to fucking get skinny I dont care what anyone says! I am doing this for me not for anyone else and they will just have to accept it even if they dont agree with it.

I have gotten so off track the past two months and just let myself go but now I AM BACK!!!! I am going to be skinny for vegas and for myself I want to feel attractive and I want thin thighs! My goal is at least 120 by the end of October. and either 110 or ideally 100 by the end of the year. that is like 45 LBS in 5 months. is it possible? YES IT IS as long as I can keep food out of my greedy little mouth.

THIS FOOD MONSTER INSIDE OF ME WILL NOT WIN!

Stay strong lasies and good luck
<3 Jess

143.8

This is just ridiculous!!!!! O well it is going to get better. I don’t even find most food enjoyable anymore. I just stare in the cabinets I don’t even know what I want to eat most of the time. I binged the other night. I ate like half a box of cereal and ramen and chips and the worst part is I did it right in front of my boyfriend. I was just watching TV with him and just keep getting up and getting food and then I just went to bed after I ate all that food and just let it sit there and all I can say is I paid big time for it the next day. I think that is why I haven’t lost basically any weight so I am upset but I understand at the same time.

Yesterday I did really well! Today I am going to do good as well!

I am starting to get out of my funk that I was in. I was so depressed and felt like my life was just shit. That girl that I was seeing and shit really fucked me up but I will not let her win!!! Also, I will not let this fat ass of my mine, this food monster inside me win. I don’t want to be full like I was the other night ever again. Anyway that’s off topic. So I am starting to feel better I think that this coming month is going to be a good one!!!! I am thinking of fast for the first four days which will also be the last four days of my summer classes! I think I would have died this summer if I didn’t take these classes. It is the only thing that has been consistent and stable for a long time. Me and my man finally found jobs he is going back to piercing and I am going to keep cleaning my parents house and watch my niece. I hope I do well!

I have another option right now though. I could go to an interview at vitamin world but I think I would rather help my family. Plus someone else that maybe actually cares about selling vitamins could get that job.

So I kind of have a weight loss plan. I want to lose two pounds a week that will be eight pounds a month and 24 pounds by the time my Vegas birthday trip comes along. I have to be skinny for Vegas and just in general I want to fucking see my hipbones. I am going to try really really hard. My main thing is just going to be eating as little as possible every day. I am going to do this!!! I HAVE TOOOOOOO!!!

Wish me luck and Good luck to all of you.

Stay strong
<3Jess

This is the new addition to our little family my baby girl. she is crazy hyper but super sweet. She is just a lover though she just likes to play and cuddle couldn't ask for more!!

7-22-11

Realizing I am not happy with my life is really hard to deal with I can handle not being happy with myself, my boday and such. I am just really confused. I cheated on my boyfriend with a girl about a month ago. She is my cousins best friend and lives like 2 hours form where I live but I just really liked her and when I went down and saw her and my cousin for her birthday I just ended up cheating. Well when I came home I told my boyfriend and it was a mess for like two weeks. I keep telling her I didnt know what I wanted and ended up pushing her away. I feel like shit because I know I have a really good man that would do anything for me but I just love this girl she reminds me of my ex from high school. I miss her so damn much but she like doesnt even want to talk to me now. I just keep getting these thoughts about going to gay bar and finding another girl. I just dont get turned on by my man anymore. I think I might be gay. I dont want to leave my man though because I know what I have is to damn good. He already gave me a second chance to and I know if it happens again he will not stick around. sometimes I just want to be alone away from him. I get annoyed a lot with him but he is the most amazing man really he is. He understands me and we see eye to eye on a lot of stuff. We have toyed around with the idea of a threesome and it sounds cool but honestly I just want a girl for myself. I really want to have a girlfriend and be with him but I dont think that would work.

The only thing I do know is that I have a broken heart. I really love this girl and she isnt interested in me at all she already has a new love. I hate this and it is really fucking me up. I have been getting drunk everynight for like two months. Today I woke up and just wanted to get out of my head so I popped four 50mg ultram. I am considering going and talking to a therapist or whatever because my mind is just fucked right now. I feel so alone too none of my friends are really talking to me and I cant really talk to them about what I am feeling because I know they dont agree with it. I cant express how I feel to anyone and no one is talking to me or listening to me. I am so alone and confused. I cant even post my real feelings on facebook becasue my man and other family and friends will just upset and try to talk to me but they arent listening or trying to give me space to have my own opinions and feelings. No one is listening to me. It really sucks.

I am loosing weight though!!!! I have lost three pounds it slow but steady I just want to be 110 by the end of october because I am going to vegas for my 21st birthday and I want to look good!!!! I have a like three months to loose like 35 pounds! I think I can do it even if I just get down to 120 I will be somewhat happy. I cant believe I let my self go like this I havent weight 145 in years like 6 years I was staying steady at 130 but then all this drama happened and I just started eating everything I gained 15 punds in two months I am just disgusted with myself I am truely a fat ass!!!! I am going to work really hard on this though it is like the only thing I have control over in my life right now.

Anyway I hope that all of you are doing well. Stay strong and keep your head up.
<3 Jess

145 EWWWW

I am disgusted with myself I cant believe I let myself go like this. I was doing go good then I just went wild. I have to loose with weight if it fucking kills me. I am jsut a fat ass plain and simple. I cant look like this anymore. I fear getting fat, I am going to workout so hardcore like everyday from here on out.

I AM A FAT ASS!!!!

Good thing I got a job babysitting my niece from 3pm to 10pm so I have an excuss not to eat when its dinner time.I am going to workout befire I go over as well. I am also going to make a rule. No eating there food because they eat like shit!!! all frozen food and shitty food just chips and candy! I am going to go bring salads and fruit and whole wheat 12 grain breads. Also my boyfriend is going back to the tattoo shop so we both have jobs now!!!! I am still waiting on a check from my school though I pray it comes by the 3rd of august or I dont know how I am going to pay my rent :/

RECIEPIES

1.

dear skinny,
whilst screwing around with random concoctions of flour and whatever other shit i have in the cabinets (a typical saturday morning), i stumbled upon this magic combo. and i immediately though of you. its simply the most absurd, irrational, unnecessary, delicious, and above all random chocolate cake:
1 tbsp. flour
1 tbsp. sugar
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. cocoa powder
small pinch salt
1 tbsp. + 1-2 tsp. water
1-2 crushed up dexatrim tabs
mix everything together in a teacup
microwave 1 minute 30 seconds
50 calories per serving
makes 2 servings
love john ♥


2.

We have Serafina to thank for this one, which I have titled Adventure Broccoli. Enjoy!

Cut up half a head of broccoli into bite-size chunks and wash
Put in microwavable bowl and zap on full power for 2 minutes
Cover with salt, black pepper and hot chili powder and voila!
(Add a side of ketchup if you’re feeling risque or mustard if a little less adventurous)

3.

1 tbsp EEVO (if you don’t know what that is, ask Rachel Ray)

1 small onion, chopped

1 large potato, peeled and diced

3 cups frozen corn kernels

1/2 small yellow bell pepper, seeded and chopped (I like red for color)

4 cups vegetable stock

salt and pepper

fresh herbs if you want to get fancy

Saute onions in oil until softened. Transfer everything but the herbs to a slow cooker and cook on low for about 6 hours (3 hours on high). Blend 2 cups of the soup in a food processor and then stir the puree back into the chowder for a creamier finish. Top with any fresh herbs you put aside.
Servings: For anorexics – none. This is the anorexic recipe of the week, remember? For the rest of you – eat until you bloat.

THIN inspirations

!!!! DO NOT EAT FATTY !!!!

I am going to make some kind of braclet to look at whenever I want to eat. Do you guys have any ideas? I want to put a word on it but noting obvious... I also downloaded some photo of beautiful tiny ladies so that I can flip through them when I want to eat. I have to have something on hand at all times so that I can remind myself of what I am doing. I could loose weight so fast! I was looking at this chart and I can be like 110 in a couple months if I take in only 1000 calories a day. There is no way I want to or can take that much in a day anyway. I am going to do this no matter what!!!! starving for perfection.



Have you ever confused a dream with life?

Or stolen something when you have the cash?

Have you ever been blue?

Or thought your train moving while sitting still?

Maybe I am just crazy.

Maybe the entire world is crazy.

Or maybe I'm just a girl... interrupted.

My favrite movies; girl interrupted and thirteen

I want space like this between my legs

Amazing bone. I want this so fucking bad.

I want my pants to look like this on me because I wont be able to find any jeans small enough to fit my body!

Beautiful arms. Just lovely!!!

Just amazing!

I want to see this when I look down!

I want to be thin not skinny. I want people to say omg your so tiny. EAT. When they say this I will smile polietly and say O im not really hungery. Underneath though I will be starving.

Good luck loves! you are all BEAUTIFUL and will do well!

You can meet your goals!

a little drunk and WAY to much coke

God I am so glad I have school and a reason to be gone most of the day tomorrow. I did good on eating... kinda. Tomorrow will be better nbo food unless I'm forced to eat by my boyfriend. My brother and his wife are fighting which sucks so bad and I feel like they are falling apart. They have been distant from each other so much lately.

I just pray that this never happens to me and my boyfriend. I love women though and sometimes... it might be because of my past I was rapped a long time ago and am still very fucked. But sometimes I feel like I just want to run away from what I have it feels selfish and I feel I should punish myself for it. My family is good to me and loves me as is my boyfriend and friends but I feel like I so alone.

I feel like I can't tell anyone about how I really feel. I just want some space and silence. O well. Ill get some tomorrow so that is awesome!!!

I will probably end up writing in a couple hours and tell you how hung over and pissed I am about the amount of calories I took in from these damn cokes! I am not drinking anymore!!

Please ladies give me the strenght I need to avoid alcohol. I really feel I'm addicted!

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7/16/2011

Just got the blogspot app for my phone. So far today I've done good on food. Just two slices of bread now me and my man are going to get wraps. Its healthy food so I'm happy about that. I'm nbot really hungery though :(

We got a kitten the other day she is the best kitten ever. She always wants to play and cuddle she keeps me distracted from eating too :) I want to put a pic up soon!

Anyway ladies have a good day and stay strong.

<3 Jess

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Still 7/14/2011

I ate a some today 6" subway sandwhich and some rice. I am hoping I can avoid food for the rest of the night but I think I might have gotten myself into a pickle... My mom and dad are going to dinner with my sister-in-laws parents because it is there last day in town. Well I was upset because we didnt get invited and said something and now I think she might want us to come. (me and my boyfriend)

I am hoping that my bf will tell me he doesnt feel like going so I can pawn it off on him. I mean I cant really say I dont feel like going when my complaint was not being invited to go. UGH why do I always open my big mouth..

Anyway if I do have to go im getting a salad with no dressing! We'll see wish me luck beautiful ladies. I need hip bones... like yesterday!!!!

7/14/2011

The only goal here is loose as much weight as quick as possible.

The only thing that truely makes me feel beautiful is an empty stomach!

I am not counting  calories because it makes me obsesive and I think I end up eating more than if I just try to ristrict as much as possible.  I am going to start working out but to be healthy I want to keep smoking cigs but I am tired of being out of breath by the time I hit the top of the stairs. I want to run as well! My goal is to not eat for as long as possible everyday and when I do eat to keep it minimal.

Some things I amgoing to work on is only eating around people so that I am at least being productive in keeping peoples minds at ease. Also only eating when someone cooks for me or asks me to eat. Still when I do eat I want it to be minimal!!! I can do this... I have to do this! I WILL DO THIS!!!

Do you have any favorite words?

I have several:

minimal
small
cute
tiny
little

7/13/2011

I fell in love with a women and she walked away. I need something to fill this void but I will not let it be food. I want to feel in control. I want to go back to work. I want to be back at school. I want to have a reason to be away from everyone and everything. It is so much nicer pretending to strangers that everything is ok and being so jealous of their happiness. I do not know if I am still deeply in love with my boyfriend. Mty life has taken a huge turn these past couple of months. How many of you exercise like at least three times a week? I am decent at exercising but crappy at keeping up with it. I feel like I hate myself and maybe if I loose weight I will feel better, prettier, worth love. I feel like people laugh at me because of my weight logicaly I know I am not fat and that people do find me atractive. I would not look at my self and think that though. I would think that I am thick and plump. I have leg and arm flab, giant boobs that drive me crazy maybe because everytime my boyfriend touches my body that is the first thing he goes for. how degrading and gross. I feel like a piece of ass to him sometimes not the love of his life.  I just want to be skinny and dance my ass off and model a little and have men ga ga over me because I am so small and sexy becsuse they cant look away from the sharp edges of my bones and I want to make love to women and please them. I want to be sexy and pretty and wanted. I am just a fucking joke...

No internet

So the reason I have been away is because we no longer have internet and until I go back to school for in July for summer classes I am afraid I will only be able to get on once a week or less which is heartbreaking. It is making losing weight so hard and I miss all of your blogs. I hope all of you have been well.

Me and the boyfriend helped some friends of ours move today it was so fun I got a little tan in the process as well not even on purpose too! The guys were so suprised that I could carry some of the stuff which was awesome plus I am sure I burned a lot of calories doing it! They were so thankful for us helping so I was really glad we did. It killed me getting up so early though. lol. Lately now that school has been out I have been sleeping in until like noon because the boyfriend and I dont go to bed until like 3am.

On a good note I finished the piece of art I was working on and started another. Here it is. What do you think?

It is kind of hard to see. It is taking a long time to draw but I think that is good because it is distracting me from eating when I am alone. I am so excited to put some color on it!

I usually paint but lately I am not into painting I am using markers. Not just like crayola markers but these really nice art markers my boyfriend got when he was going to gaming school. He never finshed the school but he got a lot of nice art supplies while he was there.

ANYWAY

here is some THINSPIRATION! I need it so badly



hello

I know what an original title. FUCK I am so bopred with my life I need some excitement. I am stuck in this routine. UGH. Whatecver

Going GOOD!

Is that possible that my fat ass is doing good at a fast?!?!?!?! YES it is I have not eaten all day you know it is a lot easier to not eat during the day when you don't eat breakfast. I mean every one knows that breakfast gets your brain going but fuck it is so much easier to not eat during the day (for me) if I don't eat breakfast. 

This could be a dangerous new fact I just found out or it could be the best thing to happen to me. I do feel a little speedy. Like I can just do a million things. Is this what you guys mean when you say you get a high off of not eating?  It feels awesome. Downside I do have a little headache type thing going on but I am ignoring it. If it gets horribly bad I will eat because I am not going to kill myself over a detox fast. BUT I really really want to keep this going.

WISH ME LUCK!!!

sorry the post is so short I have friends coming over. 

Ill update more tomorrow. Goodnight ladies

I am not gone

I am still here. I have just had a really hard time getting access to a computer when no one is around. I am finaly getting a smartphone with internet though so soon nothing can keep us apart. okay I know that was dramatic but it has been sososososososososo hard being away from all of you and my blog. I think it was good for me though. It gave me some time to work out some stuff that was going on.

I have not been keeping track of my cals and I have not exercised as I should be especially since I am  in a competition. UGH. It is okay though I am not going to waste my time thinking about the past week it was A HORRIBLE week to say the least.  main horrible points; fight with boyfriend, binge, and getting stupid drunk. I think it might of had something to do with the fact that last week was the week of FRIDAY THE 13th.


DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS OR ALSO HAVE A HORRIBLE WEEK????

I am quite curious about this as I have never really had a bad week on the week of friday the 13th but this year I did. It is strange as well that my good friend also got into it with her bf. She is still hurting really bad about it. Send your love/prayers out to her. She also doesnt live in the same state as me right now so it is extra hard to know whats going on with her. Its a long story but she basicaly moved out of her house to live with this guy in another state and its just bad.

ANYWAY ladies. I want to fast.... who wants to fast with me??? I am planning a three day fast. A short one yes I know but my boyfriend would freak if I went any longer I am going to talk to him about it tonight and just tell him I want to clean my system of all the alcohol and junk that is in there. Have a nice clean body for a new week.  I think he will be weird about it but he will be ok with me doing it. I mean we have done it before together so I can always bring that point up. It really isn't a fast to loose weight as much as I just really do want to clean my body out and I heard that three day fasts are good for it.

So here are to rules.
3 days straight I am starting at 12pm (noon) tomorrow ( you can start whenever you wake up tomorrow morning or 12pm tomorrow night)
You are allowed to drink water and chicken broth (if you have 0 cal sports or diet soda and you want to use these as well you can. I might too.) just nothing solid or with calories. I realize that chicken broth has 5 calories a serving but I have to have at least that. No solids what so ever no fruit no salad no veggies no chips no soups.

So 3 days starting a noon tomorrow (Tuesday) and going until Friday at noon. water and chicken broth (0cal sports drink or diet soda up to you) PLEASE JOIN ME! ANYONE!!!

OK so I know I have bored you to death SO here is what you came for.

THINSPIRATION

after watching a video about how PARIS HILTON got famous.... I can't believe I am going to say this but I kinda respect her. I mean she actually made herself famous.

Amazingly toned and tanned. damn