Realizing I am not happy with my life is really hard to deal with I can handle not being happy with myself, my boday and such. I am just really confused. I cheated on my boyfriend with a girl about a month ago. She is my cousins best friend and lives like 2 hours form where I live but I just really liked her and when I went down and saw her and my cousin for her birthday I just ended up cheating. Well when I came home I told my boyfriend and it was a mess for like two weeks. I keep telling her I didnt know what I wanted and ended up pushing her away. I feel like shit because I know I have a really good man that would do anything for me but I just love this girl she reminds me of my ex from high school. I miss her so damn much but she like doesnt even want to talk to me now. I just keep getting these thoughts about going to gay bar and finding another girl. I just dont get turned on by my man anymore. I think I might be gay. I dont want to leave my man though because I know what I have is to damn good. He already gave me a second chance to and I know if it happens again he will not stick around. sometimes I just want to be alone away from him. I get annoyed a lot with him but he is the most amazing man really he is. He understands me and we see eye to eye on a lot of stuff. We have toyed around with the idea of a threesome and it sounds cool but honestly I just want a girl for myself. I really want to have a girlfriend and be with him but I dont think that would work.
The only thing I do know is that I have a broken heart. I really love this girl and she isnt interested in me at all she already has a new love. I hate this and it is really fucking me up. I have been getting drunk everynight for like two months. Today I woke up and just wanted to get out of my head so I popped four 50mg ultram. I am considering going and talking to a therapist or whatever because my mind is just fucked right now. I feel so alone too none of my friends are really talking to me and I cant really talk to them about what I am feeling because I know they dont agree with it. I cant express how I feel to anyone and no one is talking to me or listening to me. I am so alone and confused. I cant even post my real feelings on facebook becasue my man and other family and friends will just upset and try to talk to me but they arent listening or trying to give me space to have my own opinions and feelings. No one is listening to me. It really sucks.
I am loosing weight though!!!! I have lost three pounds it slow but steady I just want to be 110 by the end of october because I am going to vegas for my 21st birthday and I want to look good!!!! I have a like three months to loose like 35 pounds! I think I can do it even if I just get down to 120 I will be somewhat happy. I cant believe I let my self go like this I havent weight 145 in years like 6 years I was staying steady at 130 but then all this drama happened and I just started eating everything I gained 15 punds in two months I am just disgusted with myself I am truely a fat ass!!!! I am going to work really hard on this though it is like the only thing I have control over in my life right now.
Anyway I hope that all of you are doing well. Stay strong and keep your head up.
<3 Jess
You'll know what to do hun trust me. Whether it's what you really want or not. But you will know the 'right' thing to do. Put yourself first, your feelings towards everyone. Who can you live with for the rest of your life,,happy??? Bring all the factors into it, and have a good long think
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Don't worry love, we all go through tough shit like this. I've been through a scenario similar to this but with two guys and I've ended up with neither. Shit happens, but life keeps going, it'll all work out in the end, it just sucks right now. Chin up love. -G
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