No internet

So the reason I have been away is because we no longer have internet and until I go back to school for in July for summer classes I am afraid I will only be able to get on once a week or less which is heartbreaking. It is making losing weight so hard and I miss all of your blogs. I hope all of you have been well.

Me and the boyfriend helped some friends of ours move today it was so fun I got a little tan in the process as well not even on purpose too! The guys were so suprised that I could carry some of the stuff which was awesome plus I am sure I burned a lot of calories doing it! They were so thankful for us helping so I was really glad we did. It killed me getting up so early though. lol. Lately now that school has been out I have been sleeping in until like noon because the boyfriend and I dont go to bed until like 3am.

On a good note I finished the piece of art I was working on and started another. Here it is. What do you think?

It is kind of hard to see. It is taking a long time to draw but I think that is good because it is distracting me from eating when I am alone. I am so excited to put some color on it!

I usually paint but lately I am not into painting I am using markers. Not just like crayola markers but these really nice art markers my boyfriend got when he was going to gaming school. He never finshed the school but he got a lot of nice art supplies while he was there.

ANYWAY

here is some THINSPIRATION! I need it so badly



hello

I know what an original title. FUCK I am so bopred with my life I need some excitement. I am stuck in this routine. UGH. Whatecver

Going GOOD!

Is that possible that my fat ass is doing good at a fast?!?!?!?! YES it is I have not eaten all day you know it is a lot easier to not eat during the day when you don't eat breakfast. I mean every one knows that breakfast gets your brain going but fuck it is so much easier to not eat during the day (for me) if I don't eat breakfast. 

This could be a dangerous new fact I just found out or it could be the best thing to happen to me. I do feel a little speedy. Like I can just do a million things. Is this what you guys mean when you say you get a high off of not eating?  It feels awesome. Downside I do have a little headache type thing going on but I am ignoring it. If it gets horribly bad I will eat because I am not going to kill myself over a detox fast. BUT I really really want to keep this going.

WISH ME LUCK!!!

sorry the post is so short I have friends coming over. 

Ill update more tomorrow. Goodnight ladies

I am not gone

I am still here. I have just had a really hard time getting access to a computer when no one is around. I am finaly getting a smartphone with internet though so soon nothing can keep us apart. okay I know that was dramatic but it has been sososososososososo hard being away from all of you and my blog. I think it was good for me though. It gave me some time to work out some stuff that was going on.

I have not been keeping track of my cals and I have not exercised as I should be especially since I am  in a competition. UGH. It is okay though I am not going to waste my time thinking about the past week it was A HORRIBLE week to say the least.  main horrible points; fight with boyfriend, binge, and getting stupid drunk. I think it might of had something to do with the fact that last week was the week of FRIDAY THE 13th.


DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS OR ALSO HAVE A HORRIBLE WEEK????

I am quite curious about this as I have never really had a bad week on the week of friday the 13th but this year I did. It is strange as well that my good friend also got into it with her bf. She is still hurting really bad about it. Send your love/prayers out to her. She also doesnt live in the same state as me right now so it is extra hard to know whats going on with her. Its a long story but she basicaly moved out of her house to live with this guy in another state and its just bad.

ANYWAY ladies. I want to fast.... who wants to fast with me??? I am planning a three day fast. A short one yes I know but my boyfriend would freak if I went any longer I am going to talk to him about it tonight and just tell him I want to clean my system of all the alcohol and junk that is in there. Have a nice clean body for a new week.  I think he will be weird about it but he will be ok with me doing it. I mean we have done it before together so I can always bring that point up. It really isn't a fast to loose weight as much as I just really do want to clean my body out and I heard that three day fasts are good for it.

So here are to rules.
3 days straight I am starting at 12pm (noon) tomorrow ( you can start whenever you wake up tomorrow morning or 12pm tomorrow night)
You are allowed to drink water and chicken broth (if you have 0 cal sports or diet soda and you want to use these as well you can. I might too.) just nothing solid or with calories. I realize that chicken broth has 5 calories a serving but I have to have at least that. No solids what so ever no fruit no salad no veggies no chips no soups.

So 3 days starting a noon tomorrow (Tuesday) and going until Friday at noon. water and chicken broth (0cal sports drink or diet soda up to you) PLEASE JOIN ME! ANYONE!!!

OK so I know I have bored you to death SO here is what you came for.

THINSPIRATION

after watching a video about how PARIS HILTON got famous.... I can't believe I am going to say this but I kinda respect her. I mean she actually made herself famous.

Amazingly toned and tanned. damn

FU%K

I am so pissed of at myself (I binged) and my boyfriend. We got in a super huge fight. He walked out on me so I walked out on him. We still havent made up. We woke up fine ate breakfast and everything was normal and then I was doing laundry got upset because the shorts my favorite new shorts were fucked up and i didnt have an iron. I guess I was acting grumpy after that so I went to lay down and calm down. well that pissed my boyfriend off we yelled and blah blah. It was normal... so we had to go do something and when we got back I went and laid down again this pissed him off so he just left without saying anything. So i called and text him said fu%k you and all this stuff. Then I left ... I walked to target and stayed there until he had to go to work he didnt know where I was and he keep texting me. Long story short he went to work, I came home, he got home from work, we went basically right to sleep.

I am still mad at him and myself I was so upset I just said fu%k everything and binged. I hate it. I feel so nasty. I am burning so many calories today 1000 if I can get away with it. I am burning this many calories everyday for the next two weeks. FU&K

I Can't help myself.

I was watching this doc on Paris Hilton. I don't like her but it was about how she "made" herself famous and I thought I would give it a shot glad I did because I found a website that had tons of cleb pics! so inspiring so here it is ladies. Just a couple my man will be home soon.....


megan fox. is a sexy lady



I never heard of her but she has a rockin bod....Alessandra Ambrosio





Ali Landry

WOW

FIRST I just want to say thank all of you so much for all of you comments you are awesome and I love them all!

So I weighed. I am not happy! Thats all I have to say. I am supposed to start my P so maybe that is why. I don't know.

I have this drive right now though.... I just want to succeed in everything not just weight loss. I am making some big changes this year I want to draw more and do really fucking well in school. I want to learn more and read more. I just hope I don't let myself down. I just have to do this I am so tried of feeling like I am giving nothing to this world to myself. Like today I was thinking about life and where I am at and where I want to be and such and I thought wow, I have not helped or inspired anyone really in my life. Not like life changing inspiration that say an actress or musician can give. So I went on my facebook and changed basically everything. I am adding an album on there called ART obviously it is going to be for my art.

These are my non weight related goals because I think that although my weight/(more importantly) appearance is very important there  are other things I would like to focus on in my life. So I am making a BIG sign to put up in our apartment so that I stay on track the rest of this year. these goals are from now until the end of the year so here goes.

    1. I want to make 12 really good drawings. I have one in progress. well I don't know if I can consider it really good but whatever.
    2. Read 3 books That help me to learn about life and the world (history, culture, religion, earth, so on)
    3. Quit drinking (this is going to be a lot harder than it sounds.)
    4. Truly focus on school and do well. Read the books, do the homework, pass all my classes.

I started the new job sat and sun. It was boring but it DOES NOT require to much time or energy and it allows me time to focus on my goals. I also clean my moms house and I might start cleaning this other ladies house.After this year I want to get a job that is going to help me in career. Herbalism. I don't know if you know what that is but basically it is like medicine through herbs. In my opinion it is much better/safer/healthier than western meds. My mom kind of inspired me to pick this.  Although I don't want to talk about that. It will probably be hard to find a job in this area so I am going to start looking in November and just keep looking til something comes up.

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend thinks I am not doing anything with my life. I mean he knows I am going to school and all but I think that he thinks this job is a waste of my time and that I need to get a real job. He works nights at this restaurant and I am home for like 6 -8 hours alone just reading/drawing/and being online. I hope he doesn't feel this way :(

I only have this one chance right now to get my shit together because I know I cannot work this job forever it will not help me. I really hope I do not fail. FUCK I just feel like I lost myself this past year. I have not painted or drawn on a regular basis is so long. I have not read a book in years. and I need to do these things. I need to learn how to use the internet again. If I do not see an improvement in myself by August I think I will just try to find a job related to my career and just focus on that.

DAMN THIS IS A LONG POST. sorry guys ill stop now. I am going to post some inspiration it is different than normal because I have so much about my future on my mind. God please give me the guidance and strength to get myself back.













Betty Hawley Kelso


Frank Stella

SORRY LADIES I KNOW THIS IS A WEIRD POST

scared.....

I am scared terrified to weigh myself tomorrow. I COULD NOT weigh today after getting on the scale the day before and seeing a three FUCKING pound gain. UGH.

anyway I had some help form the amazing and beautiful americanegalelove which had helped get me back on track (I think). I did okay food wise today I DID NOT count my calories today because I didn't plan on eating at all today but my boyfriend woke up with me and made me eat a 400 calories breakfast so instead of killing myself over it I just decided I would eat a little to day only 800 calories and then tomorrow I would fast. I think I went over I am almost positive but it couldn't have been more than 1100. That is such a big number. I want it down lower but it is almost impossible because of my boyfriend. I know its is good but FUCK. He made me eat a big breakfast because I STARTED!!! my new job today flipping signs but it wasnt worth it because I didn't have to work the whole 5 hours only 2.

Anyway I went to the gym burned 600 calories in cardio and then I came home and did some serious pilates ab work outs. There is this amazing site blogaties and it has some killer workouts. I try to do one of each section. I highly recommend doing the stretching after you do the workouts because they are intense and you will be twice as sore if you don't (maybe depends on how in shape you are). She also has a youtube just look up POP Pilaties and a facebook under BLOGATIES. She has some really good meal ideas too that are always like low cal, low fat, and low carb. I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT!!  I go back to the gym with my boyfriend soon I hope to burn another 300 calories. NO I AM GOING TO BURN 300 CAL!!!

I have been so busy working on that drawing I posted! I have got it almost done! I can't wait to show you guys. I have this like art buddy and she is always sending me drawings so it is inspriring me to get back into my art. I am actually liking this drawing. maybe that is why I am finishing it.

UPDATE MAY GOALS
    1. under 1500 cals a day (I will succeed at this the rest of the month IT IS NOT THAT HARD!)
    2. no drinking (kind of working I have only drank twice and both times were not like binge drinking just like three of four drinks.)
    3. lose 5-10 lbs no matter what (i am not even going there. I just want to be 130 by the end of the month)
    4. exercise 5 days a week (HEY I WON ONE)
    *NEW*5. FINISH EVERYTHING I START (like paintings, books, classes, workouts, just everything finish it all the way through) 

WISH me luck on my weigh in! I really need to see those numbers low or I will just loose it!

THINSPIRATION

FOOOOOOD: 

i got this from the Blogaties website it look so amazing! super healthy! I cannot wait to make some.

PIZZA!!! Low carb, low fat, low cal style! Only 56 cals per slice!

Believe it. I made my own pizza today from scratch (even the dough, using no flour) and it was delicious. Time to share the goods.

INGREDIENTS:

Faux pizza dough/crust:

* 1/2 cup egg whites 

* 3 TBS nonfat cottage cheese

* 6 TBS of ground flax seed

* 0.5 - 1 TBS of Splenda (I used 1 TBS and thought it was a little “too” sweet. If you have a sweet tooth, go for it, if not, lower the amount here.)

* 1/4 tsp baking powder

* cooking spray for baking pan

For toppings:

* I used 1/2 cup of tomato sauce, about 2 oz of shredded chicken breast, and 6 oz of red and green bell peppers. I skipped the cheese this time, but feel free to add in or take out whatever you want! It’s your pizza!

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 300F. Mix all of the pizza crust ingredients together in a bowl until smooth. You’ll still see cottage cheese chunks. If this bothers you, you can blend the mixture, but I thought it gave my “faux dough” a nice look.

2. Spray a baking pan with your cooking spray and the pour the batter on. Smooth out.

3. Place the pan into the oven for about 15 to 20 min or until firm. You want to make sure your pizza crust is more on the dry side than moist side because after the toppings come on, some of that moisture will soak into the faux bread.

4. Once your crust is done, slather a good amount of tomato or marina sauce on top and sprinkle with your fave pizza toppings.

5. Slice up and enjoy!

TASTE:

I loved my fake crust!!! It was amazing. Next time I will make this using only 1/2 TBS of sugar. I felt like it was too sweet. It was still good though. Can’t wait to make this again with mushrooms, onions, and roasted tomatoes. OMG yum!

NUTRITION INFO:

FOR ONE SLICE OF MY PIZZA (entire recipe/8): 56 calories, 2g fat, 5g carbs, 5g protein

FOR ENTIRE PIZZA: 448 calories, 16g fat, 40g carbs, 40g protein.

FLAX SEED NO FLOUR PIZZA CRUST ONLY (entire recipe): 327 calories, 14g fat, 27g carbs, 27g protein. 

NOT EATING!!!!/138

Holy shit what happened to me?!?!?!?! 

I was down to 135 just two days ago and then yesterday I stepped on the scale and it said 138, so I didn't freak out I didnt say anything I thought it was water weight because I was chugging water all night but then I got on the scale today praying my weight would be down but it was still 138. I fucked up!!! what did I do?!?!?!

Needless to say I am not fucking eating today. well I am eating as little as possible my boyfriend will have to get the fuck over it. It is one day. I ate one piece of toast today. 70 cals.  It is only 1030am though!

I have to do this though I am so pissed off at my self right now!!!! I want to say some mean things about myself but I will hold back for your guys sake. I am going to do this!!! 

We are going to the mall when I get out of school I basically forced my boyfriend to go but I need to find my mom a mothers day present. Plus it is the best distraction I could think of to keep myself  from eating right when I get home like I usually do. That  should buy me till about 5 or 6pm and then my boyfriend wants to go hang out with our friend so I hope I can not eat over at there house. I WILL NOT EAT AT THERE HOUSE!!!

I am so upset. I know I had like four drinks the other night but I DID NOT think I would make me gain 3 lbs WTF is wrong with  me. I was doing so well

ANYWAY 

Here is some inspiration for my FAT ass.

IF you have not seen black swan you should see it. Natalie Portman is some real thinspiration in that movie and to get me motivated here are a couple pics of her!

And here are some skinny legs!!!

I would put more but I am in school and I don't want anyone seeing. 

Almost done

UPDATE.... I am bored but I did my workout! thank god.


So I am almost done with school two more days. this friday and then next wend and I am finished! I am scared thought because I will have nothing to do all day long 5 days a week. UGH!! I hope I do ok I think I am going to do a lot of walking outside and sleeping in late! My boyfriend likes to sleep in late and I will not be able to do it once June starts because I have two classes this summer and they both start supper early. Plus the walks will be good because they take a long time and it is good exercise!

Today I am going to the gym and working my ass off!!!!! My boyfriend had yesterday off and I did really good until we came over to my parents house. I dont even want to think about it. Intake so far today 700 but I am going to burn 600 in cardio at the gym and then I am going to come home and do some work out videos sence I have nothing better to do tonight because my man works.

The picture to the right is like my ULTAMITE thinspiration!!! she basically started at the same spot I am and go down to the same wieght I am trying to achive. this is going on my blog wall thing.

I work this weekend. Finally! Wish me luck I am going to need it. Shit that reminds me I need to buy a white polo shirt and some new shoes.


ANYWAY LADIES HERE IS SOME THINSPO

I love this picture it remindes me of primary colors even though the pants to the left are more green than blue. I cant help loving it though I am an artist. (kind of)



WORK OUTS

This is a drawing I am working on. It is like abstract geometric. I love edges but I also love flowing lines.
Tell me what you think!!! It is going to be really bright and colorful when finished. It has a long way to go as well. im going to add about 30 more flowers. A lot more shapes, I want to add some circles because I have never tried drawing 3D circles and I think it would be a nice challange. Plus a lot more curvy/flowing lines.

Found this show on hulu. it is a really good work out and you can pick different episodes to do different work outs. I hope you guy like it. I am about to do one. wish me luck!! So all you have to do is click on the "Good Work Out" words below and it will take you straight to the show. The show is called Envy girls. I do envy there bodies too!

Good Work Out!!!

ALSO
this was posted by GIANNA it seems like a really good recipe!

I want to share a fav low cal snack of mine with you guys! I don't know if any of you like broccoli, but I LOVE it. So much. So anyways, you take some broccoli (free on the SGD!), cut it up into manageable pieces (I like to leave a little bit of the green stalk part too, not just the crowns), put it in a bowl and add a weeee bit of extra virgin olive oil. I use one stalk of broccoli crowns or whatever and 1/2 tbsp of oil. Then you shake it all around so the oil coats it evenly. Then I add my favourite seasoning, mine is made by clubhouse and its called roasted garlic and red pepper or something like that. Shake that around! Then, spray a baking sheet lightly with cooking spray and spread out your broccoli. Bake at 425F for 12 ish minutes (depending on your oven) and make sure you turn it over a couple times in there. It's sooo yummy! It'll still be a little crunchy in the middle and crispy on the edges but its fantastic. The broccoli is about 50cal and the oil is 20. The seasoning is zero! So you have yourself a 70cal snack, 20 if you're on the SGD and not counting veggies. You can also switch out the broccoli for almost any vegetable. 


I hope you don't mind that I put it up I posted a link to your page with it!


I'll update more later on! Stay strong girls.

Weekends.../136lbs

I hate/love when my boyfriend has the weekends off. I wonder if he will have this weekend off. I am not sure because he works in a restaurant and it is mother’s day weekend coming up and he told me they would be busy. Anyway I love when my boyfriend has the weekend off because we actually get to see each other and spend time together but at the same time I have to eat like a normal person and it kills everything I worked so hard for all week. I did horrible this weekend. (Sat/sun)

I don’t even want to talk about it. IT WAS BAD!!! I am moving on though it is a new week and a new month I am going to do well. I will follow my plans I will be skinny! Plus it might be easier this month because my boyfriend wants to start working out so I will work out twice on the days he works out!

MAY GOALS:
    1. Do not drink
    2. Loose 5 - 10 lbs no matter what!!
    3. Exercise 5 days a week
    4. eat 1500 calories or less a day

So that’s all I have. Honestly these are hard goals for me. I drink about 5 out of 7 days a week. I know if I don’t drink though I mostly likely will not binge or lose control and I will lose more weight than usual. I am thinking of becoming a non-drinker anyway. I need to quite I need to be healthy I need to have control. I have been hard at drinking for the past 4 years I am sure by now I have caused enough damage! It is going to be SUPER SUPER SUPER hard and I really need some support on this.

I don’t want to cheat at this goal but being realistic I might. So if I drink I can only have two. I hope this makes it easier for me to not drink knowing that if I do my goals are not ruined. Also, if I stay away from my parent’s house this goal will be much easier.

ANYWAY; ladies here is the exercise plan for today:

Cardio: burn 600 cals

Strengthening / toning: three leg work outs 4 sets of 20, five arm workouts 3 sets of 15, and three ab workouts

I know what I am going to do for my leg and abs and some of what I want to do for my arms. I would post pictures but I don’t have the time right now. Later tonight I will try to put them up.

UPDATE

so I have been thinking a lot... about this weight loss stuff and my boyfriend...

I want to look like this but I am really afraid that he will not like it. I have been talking to him about girls bodies lately finding out what he thinks is sexy or nice looking for a girl. we are really open with each other. we have been together for 4 years now he has never cheated. (well kinda) that sounds a lot worse than it is!!!!!! We even watched supersize VS superskinny on youtube and I would ask "do you think she is to skinny?" sometimes he would say yes. but I honestly did not think they were too skinny I thought they were beautiful. which is scaring me because I DO NOT want to loose him over the way I look. I mean he already knows a lot about ana. when I first started dating him I told him a lot about it and after watching the supersize VS superskinny he knows more. I told him I thought that it was gross and I could never do that and it was not what I wanted but he said "sometimes those things just take over"

WTF how does he know that? I wonder if he has been researching on his own?!?!?! obviously I told him way to much. He is watching me though. like this weekend he was handing me food to eat and watching me when I wrote down my calories. He is really sweet about it and he does support me wanting to be healthier and more toned as I tell him. At the same time though it sucks because I think I let him to far in. He really watches me though. Maybe it is good like a reason for me to actually be healthy and eat good and not starve that way this ana can not take over. Like my guardian angel. IDK girls. what are your thoughts???? should i back off and not count and restrict so much in front of him tell them I am still watching but I am not being anal about it any more? I can not lie to him though. HE IS EVERYTHING to me!!!!!!!

FUCK!