My Life Rant

So much shit is going wrong right now. I mean there are two weeks left of this semester in college and I don’t even have my classes picked out for next semester. I still don’t have a job and I just feel like a fucking bum, o and my dad told me that he thinks my parent’s marriage is on the rocks, like they might not be married a lot longer. What is a lot longer though? Is that a year, 5 years, what?!?!?! And how can he talk about this with me? I mean its good so if it does happen at least I was warned right? Is that a fucked up way to see this? But it is fucking with my head like BIG TIME. I really just want to cut myself right now and just run away. I am tired of dealing with just everything.

But at the same time I feel really alone because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE besides my boyfriend knows what I feel or what is going on in my life. I don’t have friends I have acquaintances that I hang out with occasionally. I mean I have a brother and my brother and I talk and hang out all the time but he does not know how I feel.... we just do stupid stuff like watch a movie together or go out somewhere. I don’t even know if my mom or dad has mentioned this to him. If not, why tell me? And should I try to talk to him about it?

Fuck too many thoughts right now. I just need to get through this semester and just get out of this shitty ass community college and move on with my life. I just want my degree already. I spent an entire semester just fucking off because I thought I was going to get a business degree but now I am going to get my teaching degree and everything is all messed up. I should be graduating this semester with my other classmates and people I know but I am not.

I fail at everything man. I mean I cannot keep a job, I cannot graduate on time, I am wasting my parents money being a scatter brain and not knowing what to do with my life, I have no friends and my parents marriage is maybe falling apart. WOW basically everything is fucked up except my relationship with my boyfriend.

 If I did not have him I don’t know what I would be like right now. I probably would have cut myself and been all laid up in bed (depressed and disgusted with myself) but he does not allow me to act like that, which is kind of stressful. I mean he always wants me to be mature and calm and never lose my cool and sometimes is pisses me off so bad because I want him to just loose it one time, but at the same time it is good that he does not because I don’t know if I would like him.

 I don’t know I feel like even though our relationship is really good there is still a lot of shit I cannot say to him. I cannot tell him that I want to see my hip bones sticking thru my clothes or that I am disgusted with myself because I am fucking up and failing at everything. I cannot even mention that I feel like I am a failure because he will say "o stop that shit you’re not and things will get better just be patient and keep your head up" and blah blah blah and I know he is right that things will get better soon I will be out of this college and have a job.

But at the same time I feel like it is all bullshit and I just want to RUN!!! I feel like even if I do get a job and graduate which is still going to take at least one semester that things will not feel good and better and whole. I feel like there is always going to be this part of my life that is not right. Maybe that is because of my family and how fucked up everything is. Maybe I’m just imagining our family as fucked up maybe it is just me who is fucked up with a fucked up perception of life.

I don’t know I need advice, help, or something right now........  
Sorry for the rant. I have too much going on right now. I cannot even control my food; I have been eating too much!!!


This is one thing that is making me feel a little better if I can just control my food today and for the rest of my life time and just see hip bones and NO fat.

Thinspiration Girls