WOW

FIRST I just want to say thank all of you so much for all of you comments you are awesome and I love them all!

So I weighed. I am not happy! Thats all I have to say. I am supposed to start my P so maybe that is why. I don't know.

I have this drive right now though.... I just want to succeed in everything not just weight loss. I am making some big changes this year I want to draw more and do really fucking well in school. I want to learn more and read more. I just hope I don't let myself down. I just have to do this I am so tried of feeling like I am giving nothing to this world to myself. Like today I was thinking about life and where I am at and where I want to be and such and I thought wow, I have not helped or inspired anyone really in my life. Not like life changing inspiration that say an actress or musician can give. So I went on my facebook and changed basically everything. I am adding an album on there called ART obviously it is going to be for my art.

These are my non weight related goals because I think that although my weight/(more importantly) appearance is very important there  are other things I would like to focus on in my life. So I am making a BIG sign to put up in our apartment so that I stay on track the rest of this year. these goals are from now until the end of the year so here goes.

    1. I want to make 12 really good drawings. I have one in progress. well I don't know if I can consider it really good but whatever.
    2. Read 3 books That help me to learn about life and the world (history, culture, religion, earth, so on)
    3. Quit drinking (this is going to be a lot harder than it sounds.)
    4. Truly focus on school and do well. Read the books, do the homework, pass all my classes.

I started the new job sat and sun. It was boring but it DOES NOT require to much time or energy and it allows me time to focus on my goals. I also clean my moms house and I might start cleaning this other ladies house.After this year I want to get a job that is going to help me in career. Herbalism. I don't know if you know what that is but basically it is like medicine through herbs. In my opinion it is much better/safer/healthier than western meds. My mom kind of inspired me to pick this.  Although I don't want to talk about that. It will probably be hard to find a job in this area so I am going to start looking in November and just keep looking til something comes up.

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend thinks I am not doing anything with my life. I mean he knows I am going to school and all but I think that he thinks this job is a waste of my time and that I need to get a real job. He works nights at this restaurant and I am home for like 6 -8 hours alone just reading/drawing/and being online. I hope he doesn't feel this way :(

I only have this one chance right now to get my shit together because I know I cannot work this job forever it will not help me. I really hope I do not fail. FUCK I just feel like I lost myself this past year. I have not painted or drawn on a regular basis is so long. I have not read a book in years. and I need to do these things. I need to learn how to use the internet again. If I do not see an improvement in myself by August I think I will just try to find a job related to my career and just focus on that.

DAMN THIS IS A LONG POST. sorry guys ill stop now. I am going to post some inspiration it is different than normal because I have so much about my future on my mind. God please give me the guidance and strength to get myself back.













Betty Hawley Kelso


Frank Stella

SORRY LADIES I KNOW THIS IS A WEIRD POST

scared.....

I am scared terrified to weigh myself tomorrow. I COULD NOT weigh today after getting on the scale the day before and seeing a three FUCKING pound gain. UGH.

anyway I had some help form the amazing and beautiful americanegalelove which had helped get me back on track (I think). I did okay food wise today I DID NOT count my calories today because I didn't plan on eating at all today but my boyfriend woke up with me and made me eat a 400 calories breakfast so instead of killing myself over it I just decided I would eat a little to day only 800 calories and then tomorrow I would fast. I think I went over I am almost positive but it couldn't have been more than 1100. That is such a big number. I want it down lower but it is almost impossible because of my boyfriend. I know its is good but FUCK. He made me eat a big breakfast because I STARTED!!! my new job today flipping signs but it wasnt worth it because I didn't have to work the whole 5 hours only 2.

Anyway I went to the gym burned 600 calories in cardio and then I came home and did some serious pilates ab work outs. There is this amazing site blogaties and it has some killer workouts. I try to do one of each section. I highly recommend doing the stretching after you do the workouts because they are intense and you will be twice as sore if you don't (maybe depends on how in shape you are). She also has a youtube just look up POP Pilaties and a facebook under BLOGATIES. She has some really good meal ideas too that are always like low cal, low fat, and low carb. I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT!!  I go back to the gym with my boyfriend soon I hope to burn another 300 calories. NO I AM GOING TO BURN 300 CAL!!!

I have been so busy working on that drawing I posted! I have got it almost done! I can't wait to show you guys. I have this like art buddy and she is always sending me drawings so it is inspriring me to get back into my art. I am actually liking this drawing. maybe that is why I am finishing it.

UPDATE MAY GOALS
    1. under 1500 cals a day (I will succeed at this the rest of the month IT IS NOT THAT HARD!)
    2. no drinking (kind of working I have only drank twice and both times were not like binge drinking just like three of four drinks.)
    3. lose 5-10 lbs no matter what (i am not even going there. I just want to be 130 by the end of the month)
    4. exercise 5 days a week (HEY I WON ONE)
    *NEW*5. FINISH EVERYTHING I START (like paintings, books, classes, workouts, just everything finish it all the way through) 

WISH me luck on my weigh in! I really need to see those numbers low or I will just loose it!

THINSPIRATION

FOOOOOOD: 

i got this from the Blogaties website it look so amazing! super healthy! I cannot wait to make some.

PIZZA!!! Low carb, low fat, low cal style! Only 56 cals per slice!

Believe it. I made my own pizza today from scratch (even the dough, using no flour) and it was delicious. Time to share the goods.

INGREDIENTS:

Faux pizza dough/crust:

* 1/2 cup egg whites 

* 3 TBS nonfat cottage cheese

* 6 TBS of ground flax seed

* 0.5 - 1 TBS of Splenda (I used 1 TBS and thought it was a little “too” sweet. If you have a sweet tooth, go for it, if not, lower the amount here.)

* 1/4 tsp baking powder

* cooking spray for baking pan

For toppings:

* I used 1/2 cup of tomato sauce, about 2 oz of shredded chicken breast, and 6 oz of red and green bell peppers. I skipped the cheese this time, but feel free to add in or take out whatever you want! It’s your pizza!

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 300F. Mix all of the pizza crust ingredients together in a bowl until smooth. You’ll still see cottage cheese chunks. If this bothers you, you can blend the mixture, but I thought it gave my “faux dough” a nice look.

2. Spray a baking pan with your cooking spray and the pour the batter on. Smooth out.

3. Place the pan into the oven for about 15 to 20 min or until firm. You want to make sure your pizza crust is more on the dry side than moist side because after the toppings come on, some of that moisture will soak into the faux bread.

4. Once your crust is done, slather a good amount of tomato or marina sauce on top and sprinkle with your fave pizza toppings.

5. Slice up and enjoy!

TASTE:

I loved my fake crust!!! It was amazing. Next time I will make this using only 1/2 TBS of sugar. I felt like it was too sweet. It was still good though. Can’t wait to make this again with mushrooms, onions, and roasted tomatoes. OMG yum!

NUTRITION INFO:

FOR ONE SLICE OF MY PIZZA (entire recipe/8): 56 calories, 2g fat, 5g carbs, 5g protein

FOR ENTIRE PIZZA: 448 calories, 16g fat, 40g carbs, 40g protein.

FLAX SEED NO FLOUR PIZZA CRUST ONLY (entire recipe): 327 calories, 14g fat, 27g carbs, 27g protein. 

NOT EATING!!!!/138

Holy shit what happened to me?!?!?!?! 

I was down to 135 just two days ago and then yesterday I stepped on the scale and it said 138, so I didn't freak out I didnt say anything I thought it was water weight because I was chugging water all night but then I got on the scale today praying my weight would be down but it was still 138. I fucked up!!! what did I do?!?!?!

Needless to say I am not fucking eating today. well I am eating as little as possible my boyfriend will have to get the fuck over it. It is one day. I ate one piece of toast today. 70 cals.  It is only 1030am though!

I have to do this though I am so pissed off at my self right now!!!! I want to say some mean things about myself but I will hold back for your guys sake. I am going to do this!!! 

We are going to the mall when I get out of school I basically forced my boyfriend to go but I need to find my mom a mothers day present. Plus it is the best distraction I could think of to keep myself  from eating right when I get home like I usually do. That  should buy me till about 5 or 6pm and then my boyfriend wants to go hang out with our friend so I hope I can not eat over at there house. I WILL NOT EAT AT THERE HOUSE!!!

I am so upset. I know I had like four drinks the other night but I DID NOT think I would make me gain 3 lbs WTF is wrong with  me. I was doing so well

ANYWAY 

Here is some inspiration for my FAT ass.

IF you have not seen black swan you should see it. Natalie Portman is some real thinspiration in that movie and to get me motivated here are a couple pics of her!

And here are some skinny legs!!!

I would put more but I am in school and I don't want anyone seeing.